Muted

I can't fight, I can't hear, and I cannot see; me getting closer to who I must be. I'm hurting myself, and in turn, hurting you; I'm burning the bridges to watch them fall through... and I'm calling to you, through the smoke of my fire, you're choking; you can't even see my heart's desire. That you are my passion, but I've too much pride, and part of that is you don't coincide; - with my demands to be as free as a bird, to go back to feel what I felt I deserved. But why does it feel all is leaving me, while my rags turn to riches, what's the 'more' that I need? I battle with great restlessness - am I just too obnoxious? To believe in the unorthodox more than the obvious. The oblivious life we believe we must lead. Why can't that simply be enough for me? And as I retract to more normal and neutral ways, why do I only think back to my more unstable days? Looking back with great lustre just to cherish the odd... am I perverse, am I stupid, am simply obscene? Are these the moments that I shouldn't glean?! So why on reflection did I feel my better self? And why must I obsess and ruin the wealth; the luck and the love - he who stands by my side. Who showers me with love but doesn't REACH me inside. I enjoy, then expect, then I want even more, with a need to repel then feel empty once more. So there we have it, who's really at fault? Who's the one who locked their heart in this vault? I hide from the world I once welcomed in, I shoot myself down before I begin... Why can't I nurture the things that I start, why don't I indulge in my love for music and art? Cause if it's not for you, it's only for me. Just to hear my heart speak, so close and so real; to truly be free in what I really feel. I’m bound by the chains I attached to myself, then blame the ones who only reclaimed my health! In a scenario that simply doesn't need fixing, just a fixated mind caught up on repeating; replaying the past yet restricting my heart, changing myself with the changing of ways, degrading myself to these groundhog days.

Oyster

I’m standing on an open plane

It’s empty and everything seems in vain

I’ve broken hearts by my pearly stature

I’ve broken bones and left them a fracture

By my steely objective, my drive for my dreams

Seems I let down others, destroy their esteem

I wish that I didn’t, I wish I could feel it

I touched your heart, didn't think I would steal it

Don't dote on me, don't try to confide

Don't project a fantasy, I won't walk by your side

Hand in hand or down the aisle

I wouldn't feel comfortable, not in a very long while

Sadly I haven’t met someone, who makes me proud enough to say,

I love you, I really do, in every single way.

Pastel

‘You’re good at hiding emotions’

Only somewhere I felt a hint

A distinctive dull feeling

It felt rather unappealing,

But perhaps he is right.

So I won’t fight.

Because that I question too.

Why is it so easy to dismiss his pensive hue?

I see the shades of his confusion

Blur before my eyes

Yet I’m not compelled enough

To reach out for his cries

To try to consider

While I don’t feel a thing

And If I told him, well it’d only sting -

that much I know.

And although I paint a soft pastel portrait

I'm passive in knowing I’m perhaps not so quaint.

As the world around flurries and sinks in their oceans

I can’t help but feel numb to those turbulent emotions

Did I build a safety net or am I already dead?

Did my fuse blow out so now I feel nothing instead?