Out of bounds

Is there a void in me which could rattle at my core?

I swear I take the weight of the world but at times feel nothing at all.

Oops

They appeared to tell me I couldn’t leave their mind.

It’s so strange to me, but I’m too scared to confide.

That I didn’t think of them. I run too hot, too cold.

That my memory of them had already gotten old.

I wish I was sold - I’d feel better about myself.

I wish I could feel, feel better about my health.

I do often question how I run so hot, so cold.

Am I devoid of compassion or is it simple; I never was sold?

Should I have liked you more, reciprocated your reactions?

Or did you just project - or were you just my distraction?

See I worry about the state of my heart...

The pursuit of love is now a chore, not an art.

It’s not a pretty picture; it's now just a spatter.

A paintbrush smearing some bloody disaster.

Maybe I blame the beat in my chest for this chilling unrest.

Maybe I’m just cold, detached and needing to digest...

That maybe my strength is perhaps a deeper concern.

That I’m devoid of caring so I can’t feel the burn...

That I inflict on the open hearted, handing love out to me.

Did I just take it without being able to see...?

That maybe I'm callous; I had no intention to open up.

It was just a distraction, so oh shit! Now look!

Beautiful souls breaking due to my lack of conviction.

They liked me more and now somehow are the victim...

To a heartbreak, that I have only known too well.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and I’m sad that you fell

For a girl who's clearly still broken, empty and cold.

A girl that doesn’t deserve your heart of gold.

Shrapnel

Are you out there?

Am I projecting a fantasy, again.

Legitimately, I need no intimacy.

Right now, just a friend.

I don’t want the pressure

Of breaking someone’s heart

Oh but what a pleasure

If something organic could start.

See I have knocked on empty doors

In the cavity of my chest

Walked the creaky floorboards

With a heartache I couldn’t digest.

And in my gut, so garishly,

It pulled me apart

It shut me down

To where I’d wondered

‘Do I even have a heart?’

Lights off, no one’s home

No matter who tries

I still want to be alone

And I’d push those away

Who most want to stay

And I know that I broke them

In exactly the same way.

But I can’t lie - I’m too honest about my feelings.

And if I feel nothing, I’ll stay staring at this ceiling.

Painting pictures in my mind,

On a canvas of open space.

One day I’ll invite someone in,

To feel welcome in this place.

And only then, the light will switch

And finally, I’ll be back home.

Maybe then I won’t be so afraid

Or so desperate to be alone.