Shrapnel

Are you out there?

Am I projecting a fantasy, again.

Legitimately, I need no intimacy.

Right now, just a friend.

I don’t want the pressure

Of breaking someone’s heart

Oh but what a pleasure

If something organic could start.

See I have knocked on empty doors

In the cavity of my chest

Walked the creaky floorboards

With a heartache I couldn’t digest.

And in my gut, so garishly,

It pulled me apart

It shut me down

To where I’d wondered

‘Do I even have a heart?’

Lights off, no one’s home

No matter who tries

I still want to be alone

And I’d push those away

Who most want to stay

And I know that I broke them

In exactly the same way.

But I can’t lie - I’m too honest about my feelings.

And if I feel nothing, I’ll stay staring at this ceiling.

Painting pictures in my mind,

On a canvas of open space.

One day I’ll invite someone in,

To feel welcome in this place.

And only then, the light will switch

And finally, I’ll be back home.

Maybe then I won’t be so afraid

Or so desperate to be alone.