Are you out there?
Am I projecting a fantasy, again.
Legitimately, I need no intimacy.
Right now, just a friend.
I don’t want the pressure
Of breaking someone’s heart
Oh but what a pleasure
If something organic could start.
See I have knocked on empty doors
In the cavity of my chest
Walked the creaky floorboards
With a heartache I couldn’t digest.
And in my gut, so garishly,
It pulled me apart
It shut me down
To where I’d wondered
‘Do I even have a heart?’
Lights off, no one’s home
No matter who tries
I still want to be alone
And I’d push those away
Who most want to stay
And I know that I broke them
In exactly the same way.
But I can’t lie - I’m too honest about my feelings.
And if I feel nothing, I’ll stay staring at this ceiling.
Painting pictures in my mind,
On a canvas of open space.
One day I’ll invite someone in,
To feel welcome in this place.
And only then, the light will switch
And finally, I’ll be back home.
Maybe then I won’t be so afraid
Or so desperate to be alone.
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